


3UPHOR14 ZINE - Untitled Roxy Gender Ramblings

by roxipoxideluxe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27425743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxipoxideluxe/pseuds/roxipoxideluxe
Summary: Written for the 3UPHOR14 zine, found here - https://doctorbleak.itch.io/3uphor14Roxy and Kanaya go to Hot Topic. A discussion ensues.
Kudos: 4





	3UPHOR14 ZINE - Untitled Roxy Gender Ramblings

Your name is ROXY, and the concept of you makes you feel a mix of things that you can’t describe. 

You can though describe the feeling that thinking about the concept of your name gives you. It makes you feel sick to the stomach. Most would use the phrase “filled with butterflies” but to you, it’s more like an angry nest of wasps that decided to take the deadliest cocktail of drugs known to the state of Florida. Thinking about anything relating to your own self identity can be compared to a bratty child taking a swing at that nest with a nailed baseball bat, it along with the pissed off wasps now-

You think you’ve lost track of the metaphor here.

To keep it short, thinking of yourself in terms that don’t make any specific mention to societal norms or people’s weird shitty bits keeps you from feeling like your insides are being double teamed by a-

God fucking damn it you’re back on the wasps again.

You mentally slap yourself, shaking the conductor of your train of thought by the shoulders, like a melodramatic scene out of some terrible movie. Probably one that a particular dork would have loved.

Oh jeez, thinking about them sort of hurt.

In a good way, of course. You were happy for her, now that she could actually be who she wanted. But at the same time, that’s why you sort of despised her. You helped her with the steps and the acceptance and she was out there and proud, carried by the winds to wherever she wanted. Free as the Wind.

You felt choked by nihilism and Void and seeing her happy made you feel like you could never be.

Eventually you decided to hike up your big kid pants and stop overthinking, finally get some shit done. Like usual, you had to let it build up first, then let it release in a six car clusterfuck, all you could do being buckling your seatbelt and holding on as the emotional train derailed. First you cried. Then you called the only person who might be able to help you out with this.

Your sister’s girlfriend, a goddamn motherly goddess upon this Earth. You think she had gone through something similar, and she was separated enough from your personal social network that if you managed to fuck up enough, she wouldn’t be that hard to ghost. Gods knew everyone in your family was good at that.

The two of you were at one of the only malls left in the city. It was half-dead, only a few trolls and humans wandering around, wasting time or carrying bags full of stuff they were able to pick up on clearance. You can even see a few indigos trying to carry out entire store shelves. It’s pretty impressive.

You and Kanaya are about the same height, her a little taller than you because of the heels and horns. To be rude, she was a total babe. You knew that no matter what happened, her and Rose were a perfect pair for each other. You and her have a decent relationship, not particularly close but enough where you felt confident jumping on an assumption and running with it. You two had made some small talk, gotten a drink, and now were walking around aimlessly.

Fuck it. Time to use that trademark Strider-Lalonde ability to pull pure bullshit out of nothingness.

"hey, youre like, super good at fashion and shiz right?"

"i wanted 2 ask 4 some help, wanna wear somethin a lil more appealin then the uniform for the couch potato army"

You’re wearing jeans and a hoodie, both of which are the perfect size to obscure the shape of your body somewhat. Somewhat being the key word. If you had your way, it would just be a hole in space where flesh should have been.

"I’m Sure I Could Help Locate Something That Suits Your Tastes"

"Did You Have A Specific Business In Mind?"

"only place ive been shoppin 4 years baybee"

"hot topic"

"ya-"

You pause for a second, brain scrambling to figure what word to use, then continue on like nothing had happened.

"ya know i got that hot cash"

"not like anyother banks gonna take it"

The jadeblood has a split second look of distaste.

"To Be Frank I Don’t Believe We Could Find Much But My Time With Rose In That Establishment Has Taught Me That Shopping There Requires A Certain Sense Of Ironic Detachment."

"thats y u never see them squares there"

"all the harleys and englishes and whatevs"

"dont have cool guy syndrome"

"aka add"

The two of you entered. Out of nowhere, you noticed that your palms were sweating and your heart was beating in your throat. You had to do it now, rip off the bandage before you shoved it down again just to let it mutate and be infected with regret and spite.

"hey kan can i ask u a really serious question"

"like u prob know how 2 answer it but"

"say some1 was like"

"‘hmm no clu how i should b’"

"‘mayb in the middle’"

"‘just vibin w/ myself’"

"how would ya help em out with that"

"i kinda got some experience w/ june but like  
man im a huge ass dork"

"listen wordplay that aint sick beats or wizard porn aint my jam so" 

"im askin can you help me find shit that doesnt make me feel like shit"

A flash of understanding with a hint of compassion moved across Kanaya’s face. The troll sighed and set down the anime shirt she had been trying to analyze for the last minute, turning to face you with empty hands and a genuine smile on her face.

"If I Was Talking To This Mystery Person"

"That Is, If This Is Still The Way We’re Having This Conversation"

"I Would Tell Them That Certain Outfits and Pieces Look Good On Everyone."

She offhandedly gestured to a sundress covered in cats hanging on the wall.

"I Would Also, If I Can Assume, Tell Them That They Should Know That A Certain Shared Loved One Is Immensely Understanding Of Such Things." 

"After All, She Understood Me."

Wait, what?

"wait so your-"

"A Topic For Another Time. One That I Would Be Happy To Share My Experiences With." 

You feel weight that you didn’t even know was there come off your shoulders. Of course you had friends that had gone through what you were going though. None of them seemed to have an idea on how to help, or even offered to though. But that’s what this was.

Kanaya hugged you gently, and you returned the act, feeling relief well up in your eyes and stream down your cheeks softly.

"so now what"

"we just keep huggin out the feelz and buy some shit?"

"If We Can Find Anything Worthwhile In This Husk Of A Store."

The two of you crack a laugh, then start to look around the store.

Funny, that surrounded by clothes, today’s the first time you’ve been able to feel free.

Existing in a Void of pure self expression.


End file.
